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In the Depth of Bereavement: A World without Her Tenderness and Care

Depression

25.02.2024

In the Depth of Bereavement: A World without Her Tenderness and Care

I woke up with the thought that she left this world, and from that point on I was on my own, all alone in this cruel and ruthless world. My sleep was interrupted for the fifth time during the night. It was three in the morning. My mouth was dry, and I had a terrible headache. Silence was gnawing away at me and eating me inside. The only thing that disturbed stillness was the sound of rustling leaves, which were occasionally moved by the wind, and it had a very unpleasant, eerie effect on me.

I was in an old, half-dilapidated hotel with shattered windows and leaking roof. My room was dark, as I didn’t want to turn on the light due to my mournful mood. My mind was full of memories of her, the only lady that I loved with such intensity that the mere thought of her used to make my heart beat faster and my hands tremble in a very peculiar way.

Eventually I got up at 7:00 AM. My body was way too weak, and my mind was half-paralyzed, but I decided to go out anyway. I intentionally skipped my breakfast, which was supposed to be taken around 8:00 AM, because I had zero appetite in the morning. No sooner had I put my clothes on than I headed for parts unknown, wherever the road would take me. The only thing I had on my mind was the fact that I lost her, once and for all. How will I ever be able to live without her, all on my own? Could I actually do without her tenderness and care? Will I ever be able to fall asleep without her gentle kisses and soothing hugs? These questions kept torturing me day and night, for I didn’t know what to do. Everything seemed hopeless and meaningless.

I was wandering the streets of a small city, which was completely unknown to me. The weather was plain terrible, as it rained pitchforks all day long. The walls of the local buildings looked dingy, tatty, sort of scuffed. Crows, ravens, and jackdaws soared over the city and produced piercing shrieks, which made my ears ache and my soul shrink. I looked at the muddy puddles that surrounded me and didn’t even know if I could take another step without making my feet wet. On top of that, my clothes were extremely sopping, and I had a feeling that I just bathed in the dead arm of a river or some ancient lake mire.

After a while, I reached the very heart of the city, which was filled with various shopping malls, eating joints, and drug stores. Even though I was down in the dumps, I started feeling quite peckish. I entered one of the local restaurants and sat in the darkest corner so that nobody could see me. After a couple of minutes, I asked the waitress, who was as black as tar and as weary as a squeezed lemon, to bring me a cup of tea, two or three gingerbread cookies, and a whole bag of raisin scones. I tried to suffocate my sorrow by eating sweets, but it didn’t work for me. The memories of her kept entering my mind, penetrating my head, and torturing my heart. I simply couldn’t deal with the fact that she was gone for good. She didn’t go away to another city or a different country; she went away to another realm, a place which no living human being is allowed to enter. I was utterly scared and perplexed, not to mention flabbergasted.

After taking a cup of half-cold tea and eating several gingerbread cookies and raisin scones, I went out of the restaurant and continued my aimless journey. The rain didn’t want to subside. There were so many puddles everywhere, both on the road and on the sidewalks. It was the middle of autumn, and it already started growing dark, although it seemed to me that it hadn’t been that long since I embarked on my journey. Only a very small number of street lights was illuminating the city, as most of them were out of order. There was a lot of garbage here and there, which is why my shoes were extremely dirty. My knees and feet didn’t actually want to keep moving ahead, and I fell down on the sidewalk all of a sudden. My head was way too dizzy. A thought of her entered my mind again. How come she’s no longer around? Will I ever be able to do without her tenderness and care? Will she come into my dreams and calm me down? If only I could resurrect her and bring her back to life so that she could continue giving me her kisses and keep caring about me. Then I would do anything to support her in each of her efforts. But I’m an ordinary human being, not an almighty deity or supernatural creature, and there is no chance that I could return her from the land of the dead. From that point on I was entirely on my own, all alone in this empty and obnoxious world.

After an hour or so, I managed to get up and went ahead. I returned to the hotel when the night already took over the city. No sooner had I climbed the staircase than my weakened body placed itself on the bed so that it could rest. I didn’t make even the slightest attempt to turn the light on. Just right above my bed, there was a large window with a half-broken pane. I tried to fall asleep but failed to do so. Then I raised my head and looked in the window. The sky was completely starless, as the rain was still demonstrating its immense power over Mother Nature. The trees behind the window were making various frightening noises, which intensified the pain caused by the scars inside my soul. I looked at the sky once more, and for a moment I thought that I saw her face there, but it was only my imagination playing its weird games with my mind. I deeply wanted her to appear in front of me and sing me a beautiful song so that I could fall asleep and feel safe. But it was impossible, of course. Never will I ever be able to see her beautiful face again. Never will she give me her care and tenderness. Never will I have a chance to kiss her sweet lips. I ended up in a world without the person who used to care about me more than anyone else. And my only companions were the self-perpetuating heavy rain and heart-rending howling wind. How much longer will I last without her? Well, I guess this is a dead ender, for only Father Cosmos and Mother Universe know the answer to this puzzling question.

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